Project Cat Pill

Cat pill. Who ever decided cats can be medicated with pills never owned a cat, I am sure. There cannot be such a thing as a cat pill - it should be named again. "Catastrophe pill" would be my suggestion, because giving it ends up in a catastrophe

I´ve been reading many versions of the following. It just seems to be getting better every time. There has always been cats in our family, and I´ve been trying to give pills to each of them. Trust me - the following (edited in my own words) - doesn´t even begin to convey the reality of giving a cat a pill.

Not for the faint hearted...

(If you survive and wish to share animal laughs, you can write your funniest pet story at the end of the page)

Project Cat Pill 
Theory and Practice

1. Approach the unsuspecting cat. Try to do this as casually as possible, because cats have a sixth sense when it comes to giving pills to them. Cats believe pills and cats cannot co-exist in the same universe.

2. Grab the cat where ever you can when it tries to scoot for safety. Lift it up and pretend you only wanted to hold it in your lap for a while. When it almost believes this, sit down and place it in the crook of your left arm. Someone said you should hold it like a baby, but anyone who owns a cat knows this cannot be done. Firm but kind is the way.

3. Do your best to place your right forefinger and thumb on either side of your feline´s mouth. Gentry apply pressure while holding the cat pill in your right palm with the help of the rest of the fingers. Don´t drop the pill. If you do, it is twice as hard to catch the cat afterwards, because now it knows what you are up to.

4. When the cat opens its mouth, do your very best to drop the pill into its mouth. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow. Let go of the cat. Pay attention to the general direction the cat disappears to.

5. Pick up the pill from the floor. Retrieve cat from under the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm. Repeat process. Notice the direction the cat runs.

6. Pick the soggy pill from your carpet and throw it away. Take a new pill from the packet and retrieve cat from bedroom (most likely under the bed). Cradle cat in your left arm, this time hold tightly to its rear paws with your left hand. Force the jaws to open and this time push the pill as far back as you possibly can with your right forefinger. (Yet, cats do growl, get used to it). Hold the mouth shut for a count of ten.

7. Clean the claw-marks on your arm so they won´t get infected. Retrieve the pill from the fish tank - it wasn´t meant to be fish food and may cause unexpected reactions in your fish. Call your spouse to come in and help. Throw away the pill you took from the fish tank.

8. Ask spouse to hold the darned cat still - both front- and rear paws. Force the cat´s mouth open. with the help of a folded piece of paper roll the pill into the cat´s mouth, shut the mouth and rub cat´s throat vigorously.

9. Climb to get cat fron from curtain rail, get another pill. Try to see where the cat spat the previous cat pill - it wasn´t meant for the dog either. Make mental note to repair the curtains and to check if the shattered figurines can be repaired later - especially the one you already sold on eBay.

10. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat so that it´s head is just visible from spouse´s armpit. Take a drinking straw an put pill on the other end of it. Force cat´s mouth open and blow down the straw into its mouth.

11. Check the package to see if the pill is harmful to humans. Drink a glass of water to take the foul taste away. Bandage spouse´s arm. Remove blood from carpet immediately with the help of cold water and soap. Don´t use warm water.

12. Retrieve cat from neighbor´s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in the cupboard and close the door onto neck so that the head shows. Force mouth open with a spoon and flick pill down with the help of a rubber band.

13. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put the door back on its hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check when you last had your tetanus shot. Throw the T-shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom.

14. Call the fire department to come and get your cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence when swerving to avoid hitting the cat. The another pill from package.

15. Tie cat´s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to a leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force the cat´s mouth open with a small spanner (a trowel may also come in handy). Push pill into mouth followed with large pieces of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water to wash pill down.

16. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on the way home and order a new dining room table.

17. Fight the urge to drop the cat at an animal shelter and call the vet instead to arrange for a house call.

18. Next time when planning to get a pet - buy a hamster.



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